JahnNa is my main account now


watch that one too. haven't been super active yet but i've got lots of drawing to do so i will mob it with submissions no worries

It's the last day of 2007. So in usual form i must write my reflections upon this year and resolutions and goals for the next.

So I need to talk it about something that took up the majority of my year and that was my relationship with Del'Mar. haha yes that is his real name, not a fake one. xD
I'm always sincerely, openly honest on dA and this mater is no different. So here aer afterthoughts and musings and unanswered questions.

I still believe that our beginning was strong though perhaps it started off wrong because there was confusion and one of my friends almost died on meh so i almost wonder now, was it just because it was him, or would i have ended up in a relationship if it had been another guy. i think quite possibly it would have been the same with another guy also - atleast the start of the relationship. Depending on the guy i would or would not have gone as far as i have with him, given all my heart without any strings attached and flaming hoops and tests and tricks.
i'm confused on a lot of stuff so i just want to write it down and then give my general theoretical answer.
i still don't understand the purpose of playing both of us. i don't understand what about her he still wanted when she honestly stalked us and she was a crazy psychotic girlfriend. i can only speculate he liked the attention and that she was so obssessed with him.
i regret not staying broken up with him after two months. i should have gone with my first intuition. but i let him talk meh into being with him. and therefore i find it funny to think that about two weeks later he started cheating on meh and playing meh. i actually don't even know if that's true. from her psycho mind, she's been saying they've been back since march 22 which would mean he'd been cheating on me a month in. ACTUALLY now that i think about it RIGHT NOW, he probably did. just from remembering stuff going on at school and all the ppl and stuff.
people can say all this and that but i never ever listen and belive hearsay first. i have to hear it or see it directly from the person. i've always believed in standing besides those i love even if they are in the wrong. i just always hope they never wrong meh. though obviously that's exactly what happened.
so....when he was trying to explain WHY he cheated he had said "it's not that you were easy..." but honestly i was. i was very open. it wasn't that i'm just "easy". I believed he was someone i could believe in and trust. i believed him to be a sincere person. and i've always been very affectionate and loving and i overgive to ppl. but with past boyfriends, i've always had a shell and i just protect myself and my biggest fear has always been being taken advantage of. i feel the only reason he kept meh around as because i am a nympho and i do like sex and i also like doing things for him. i'd have a couple hundred dollars more if didn't date him as long as i did.
and now i feel like i have this baggage. how do i trust the next guy. there's been some guys who have asked meh out but i don't want a boyfriend ght now because i'm unwilling to give that power over to someone again. after a certain point of time, i've given my all and i'm open. honestly i can't not be. i pour everything i am into any and every relationship.
i still think "why wasn't i enough?" sometimes. i'd like to know what he's sees in her.
i don't always listen to my family but if my entire family hated the girl i went back to and loved the girl i hurt, i'd honestly take a minute and analyze why that is.
i thought about talking to him, and then i got so repulsed i wanted to throw up so that was out the window. and i thought i atleast want to tell him how i feel. oh yes how i feel. i feel he's shit. he's full of bullshit and he's the biggest shit alive. for all he doesn't believe in his dad and how much he hates his dad and blah dad this and blahdd that, Del'Mar Young is even bigger shit for having known and learned how his dad does the same thing to his mom, and having done it on meh. it makes him a shitface hypocrite. he thinks his mom's crazy and his dad's psycho. i agree sometimes his dad can go a little overboard. his mom however, she sticks up for him NO MATTER WHAT. that goes with any mom but honestly, you'd think he'd have learned from the pain she went through to know he shouldn't do what his dad does. ugh i wanna break the boy's dick. hahahaha it's probably possible and it'd be very amusing i think xD
so i'm glad he's out of my life. at the same time, i got really comfortable with him and just he became a large part of my life and it was hard to try to cut him out of it all of a sudden.
and that's why i ended up messing u something else that was really amazing.
gosh...my amazing baby....he's my one and only baby forever and always. i even made him a christmas present but he doesn't want it at all...i should take a picture of it and upload it cuz it's something i made...
these last couple of months....have honestly felt like years. but this last month atleast i've just tried to work a super lot and i've been reading anything i could to not think or let my mind wander and keeping myself occupied. so these last couple weeks have been decent i guess. i'm still trying to adjust i guess i'd call it.
...Alex...he's a really amazing person to me. and much loed. even though he just about hates meh without hating meh. i really wronged him and hurt him and i'm thankful he even talks to meh.
i don't want anyone but him. hahaha i'll become a nun. nah i'm not that god revering. i'm too willful to be a nun. and anti subservient.
But Alex is just amazing. there isn't much else to say really. he's just amazing. he has the kindest heart ever and it's so deep and warm even though i don't get to share in that warmth anymore..
so i really saw a future with Alex... my bachelors program is three years. it'll take meh at most two years to get all properly established with my own little store so hopefully after five years we would have gotten married. living in a house or apartment and stuff i'd decide with him. we'd go vacationing in the winter and visit his home and visit my other home in korea. hahaha even though he didn't want a girl, we'd hopefully still have one later xD
i'm young. i'm impulsive and passionate and everchanging. i believe in high school to think about marrying someone, a certain someone, is foolish and naive and just young. but he made meh just dream for it. but then i messed it all up. there's hope, "there's always hope" he says but "happiness comes through the merry gate" and i've been one to be able to handle aloofness and coldness from someone i dearly love and need. and i can't help that i shut off when i'm shut out. so i just start shutting down
so i've gained weight too lol xD cuz all i do is roll around bed and read manga after manga or play flyff or watch movies. i don't get to watch movies that often. i've watch almost 100 movies now. xD most of them are korean but it's a lot all the same
and i hate dreams. i'm tired of dreaming. so i go to bed at 2-3 in the morning so it's impossible for meh to sleep deeply and therefore i don't dream.
good dreams hurt more than the bad ones.

so yeah...now i'm fat. TT-TT this is not good at all. i should go run after i finish writing this. though for meh to finish all my thoughts it'll probably be another hour lol
so i'm trying to go back down to a size 2. i was a 2 three years ago. i need to just take care of myself again. i've been too distraught or busy or worried and lazy. so i even painted my nails. hahaha i actually shaved my legs. even though no one's gonna see em cuz its WAY too cold lately. i cut the dead hair off. so it's a bit shorter but not drastic. i'm putting lots of healthy treatments in it and i'm using all my creams and stuff on my skin. i wanna be pretty again~ lol. and it could potentially help this summer when i'm in korea. i'll be of legal age to drink and go to clubs in korea so i can do just about anything. i think i will interpret and also try to find a nightclub to waitress at. korean nightclubs are different and i love it. i thought about the coffee shops but old korean guys are lecherous and creepy. ew. i'd probably get fired cuz if those old men tried anything on meh, i'd pout coffee over their head and burn them. and i don't have a scooter/moped license and i don't feel like having to rely on a guy that had one that worked with meh to take meh to and from deliveries. it sucks cuz even tho i'm a citizen, even with a passport i'm not able to get on american military bases. i could get some REAL work and interpreting connections then.

second semester i'm planning on taking only three classes so i hope i can be working two jobs in february and then 3 jobs in march and on. i really hope to make the most money in korea so when i do an exchange rate i can get the most money since american dollar is worth so little, the more korean money i earn, the more american dollar i can get.

college. YAY! i'm so excited. finally moving out of dumb washington. stupid ghetto tacoma. it sucks and does even give a good bj.
im so excited. MIAMI!!! god warmth finally. i want an apart on like the....fourth floor or higher. drowning is one of my biggest fears.

parents...ugh. hahahaha what else is there to say? i don't know if they are entirely kicking meh out after. if they are then i need to arrange stuff with them cuz i'm not moving my stuff to the school till after korea. am i supposed to mail all my stuff down there or pay extra for all my luggage? my parents are my parents. nothing will ever change that. i just don't want to live with them. IS THAT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND?!?!?! gosh. and i HATE my dad. =_=;; i'll see him. i just can't live with the man. i'm the black sheep of the family and we don't get along and we never are. i'm not conservative in my ideas. i am in certain stereotypes and beliefs but my ideas and deas and passions are far from the conservative traditional ones they have.

i'm gettin 7 tatoos and i'm gettin 7 more ear piercings. yes that's 8 MORE. i have 6 so far. ^-^ tatoos are expensive though. damn. but i will get them. i want black with white tipped feather wings on my back (really small and cute) and then a poem in korean/chinese characters on my left shoulder blade, a wolfsbane flower and a snow drop flower on the inside of my left wrist, a heart with wings behind my left ear, a crown behind the right ear, something in english on my hip, a white rose with a pale blue tint my left ankle. yes i do like my left side more. i'm either gonna get 4 or 7 piercings.n not sure. three of them are a possibly. 4 for sure.

so parents? feh. unconcerned really as long as they don't try to constrain meh. i'm my own person legally now.

i'm worried that my best friend and i will drift far apart from each other so we're making a blog together where we can write entries so the other can read and kno what's going on. i love Sam so much. she keeps meh sane.

so i have lots to look forward to this coming year. visiting miami, graduating, going to korea with my best friend, starting college. i hope it is a lovely year with no drama. i hope and dream and wish for my one love always.

oh yes i've also made a new account. i'll be adding you soon. i feel this one has some bad memories even if i've deleted stuff from it. i feel the necessity to start afresh. ^-^ this one will still be up for my old deviations. i just want to start a new page with the mindset of showing only professional quality work and being very serious into making my art into a career.

I turned 18 Sunday. I actually forgot to write a journal this time on my actual birthday! gosh.

but....now i my stuff can be made into prints.

i'm gonna try to draw more. hopefully. so much is going on!


and i got into a car accident last night. it was a two lane road and the guy was turning onto mine from a stop sign cept he didn't see meh coming, only the car on the opposite side, so he went into meh. thank god i sped up to swerve out of the way. i'm totally fine though no worries there. it was just crazy. my car spun and stuffs.

at least there is only 8 days of school before winter vacation. possibly 7.

and i'll probably work hellas around then. hopefully in the mornings since the mall changes its hours to opening at 8 and i'd way rather work in the morning that evening. ::such an old person ::

and then evenings...homework pffft. and computer games. and drawing. yay meh!


so i like both flyff and maplestory. maplestory is easier to get the hang of. flyff is easier to level up.
maplestory becomes a bitch to level up on after awhile. flyff will too probably but i'm almost level 13 and it hasn't been hard. and my exp hasn't died yet...but then again i haven't taken a job yet. idk lol they are by koreans. they are the same really.

Ugh........so tired of rainy washington. and lots of the people here. I wanna go away as far as I can away from the crazy people here. Somewhere on the east coast. Or Europe. Europe and I would get along quite nicely. Texas is a no no. It's a never ever. I'm scared of Texas. Effing Chainsaw Guy.......scary!! Florida seems cool though. Lots of new designers are coming out from there. After Katrina......Lousiana seems unsafe. Idk...somewhere tropical and sunny and warm and the coldest temperature being around fifty seems very appealing.

I bet Italy would be cool too. Mmmmm Milan sounds super lovely. Or France~

but not London. I wanna stay away from cold misty foggy rain. blegh.

I want amazing sun and warmth. Probably spend a fortune in sunscreen so i don't get skin cancer but lol it'd be worth it.

I could go to Korea but...it's crazy there. i don't wanna become a radioactive mutant if they bomb N. Korea lol.

Ugh my SAT scores were such poop. FUUCK~ lol but i gotta study. So i think i'm gonna take on in december too so i have time to do concentrated studying.

so i saw i still had this on my myspace....i don't wanna forget them...just i don't want them up for everyone to see....

----------


haha cuz i'm a hopelessly romantic loser~ the top 5 are written in order of importance the other 96 are random stuffs [edit] the ones with * are ones that have come true YAY

1.)To have a guy say "I love you" and really mean it after they really know meh (this will never happen..i'm too eccentric >0<

*2.) To have boyfriend/crush to come over in the middle of the night and sneak into my bed and just hold meh while I sleep

*3.)Ask meh to prom or some big formal dance

*4.)When I run away from you, run after meh and catch meh

*5.)Would come to find meh if I ran away

---now for the random wishes haha---

6.) If I lost my shoe, give meh yours to wear
*7.) Tie my shoes for meh
*8.) Give meh a piggy back ride
*9.) Kiss meh when I'm mad at you
*10.)kiss meh knowing i'm crying
11.)Go to the beach with meh and sleep under the stars
12.)Camp out in the woods with meh
*13.)Scare the poop out of meh while at the woods {scared myself really but it counts lol}
14.)Cook a gourmet dinner for meh
15.)Sneak meh into your house and let meh sleep there when I fight with my parents
*16.)Sneak meh into your house for a study session and end up watching a movie/tv together
17.)Persuade meh to skip a day of school with you
18.)Take a picture of meh when I'm sleeping
*19.)Don't get mad for my outbursts
20.)Look past my tough facade cuz u kno i'm pretending
*21.)dress up silly to make meh laugh
*22.)go to the movies together and make out
23.)Go to an orphanage and play with little kids for a day
*24.)Take meh to meet your parents
*25.)Remember my parents birthday
*26.)Hold all my bags when shopping
*27.)Share an ice cream cone
28.)Paint a mural for meh
29.)Write a poem for meh
30.)Compose a song for meh and sing it
*31.)Be outrageously scandalous and blatantly flirt with meh in public
32.)When I'm sick stay by meh and take care of meh
33.)Wash my hair for meh
34.)Wash my face and brush my teeth for meh
35.)Take meh to a nightclub and dance on the stage for meh
36.)Play piano for meh
37.)Learn to say I love you in 21 different languages
38.)Roleplay with meh no matter how outrageous it is
39.)Hang out at a coffee shop with meh and discuss books
40.)Go bowling with meh and let meh win the first time
41.)Teach meh to play guys sports
42.)Learn to waltz and dance with meh
43.)Would say over the PA system that I am all yours
*44.) would sleep over at my house
*45.) would let meh sleep over at his house
46.) Would wear a "I love Susi" sign on a busy street
47.)Make meh a scrapbook of stuff we did together
48.)Teach meh to fight
49.)Totally kill meh at sparring after
50.)Wrestle with meh and let meh win so i'm on top
*51.)push meh against the lockers and holding my hands so i can't push you away kiss meh senseless {hahahahaha >////< random fantasy.. sorry}
52.)let meh give you a manicure and pedicure
53.)Let meh put make up on you as practice
54.)kidnap me for a day
55.)send me letters in the mail
56.)come to my house in an animal suit
*57.)drive next to meh when i'm walking home
*58.)pick meh up when i'm walking somewhere
*59.)let me be with you when you're sick
*60.)be with meh when i'm sick
*61.)kiss meh even tho i'm sick
*62.)let meh feed you when you're sick
*63.)kiss meh cuz you can
63.)make something for meh all by yourself
64.)take meh clubbing with you and dance only with meh and let no other guys dance with meh either
*65.)make a myspace page with meh
66.)study and learn a language with meh
67.)get matching cell phone accesories with meh
68.)meet all my best friends
69.)take meh away from my friends cuz you want meh
70.)pull meh into your arms and kiss meh infront of ppl
71.)give meh a sappy nick name
*72.)buy meh ice cream
73.)give meh a flower from your garden
74.)grow meh a plant
*75.)wait for meh after class
76.)come over without telling meh just to give meh a hug
*77.)ask meh to do something important for you
*78.)take meh to your favorite place
*79.)tell meh your life history while i'm in your arms
80.)make meh chocolates on valentines
81.)go vacation with meh just in a hotel for a week
82.)go jogging with meh and stay pace with meh no matter how slow i am
83.)tell my parents you wanna be with meh and drag meh out of the house
84.)buy meh a bunny with one for you and one for meh
85.)paint a pair of shoes for meh
86.)take a pottery class with meh
87.)have a food fight with meh
88.)bake a cake with meh
89.)go out of town together for a weekend
*90.)dont get mad at meh when I cook something not tasty
*91.)pocky kiss
92.)dont leave mad
*93.)if somethings bothering you tell meh first
94.)tell a guy off if you know he likes meh
95.)shave ur legs
96.)wear pink shorts
*97.)come to one of my dance competitions
98.)make meh a lunch when you take meh somewhere
99.)Go to a spa with meh
*100.)walk in the rain together
101.)if it's raining take my hand and run meh to shelter











----------


so last year around this time....i wrote a journal....about not looking for love and just a grand romance instead.

i guess what i had could be described as this - in the beginning.
I didn't want to love him...it just happened.




so look up Danica Rozelle in myspace music....cuz basically....she knows how i feel. and ironic that we both loved this song and got it put into our dance team routine?